Thursday, May 27, 2010

Deal with it!

I recently broke up with my boyfriend and I think I've come up with a few totally awesome and contructive ways of dealing with it.

Lie back on the couch and take advice from an expert

1) Try to be friends way too soon. That way, you'll realise pretty quickly that not only does the whole "friends with exes" thing rarely work, you'll also remember why you broke up with this person in the first place. OR at the very least, after 1 or 2 mental breakdowns you'll decide that contact is not an option and move onto step 2

2) Pretend they're dead. You know that expression "you're dead to me"? Live it. Find a grave with your exes name on it, write him an obituary for the local council paper and inform his parents.

3) Drink. Or if drinking isn't your thing trying eating your emotions.  Or both at once. All of this is particularly good for your self esteem and snagging yourself your next Mr. Right.

4) Compare yourself to everyone. Particularly any other person you see your ex with.  Try to improve yourself based purely on the notion that if you change, somehow you will either a) be taken back b) make your ex so jealous they throw themself off the nearest tall thing.  This gets exhausting pretty soon - hopefully it'll lead to a "fuck it" moment, and you'll realise how much time you've wasted wishing you were someone else.

5) Repeat this mantra. "It doesn't matter". It doesn't matter what your ex is doing, who they're fucking, what they're eating and whether they're getting enough fibre. Remember rule 2.

Enjoy your single life, in particular those early morning farts and eating bread right outta the bag.

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